I'll Take A Fifth on the Fourth

...of vodka. 

As everyone is getting ready to put their buns on a burner for the July 4th celebrations, Beth Stern orders a giant roasted chicken and then pushes it off her plate and calls it animal activism. 

Everyone in the Hamptons is terrified that the Pariah Twins will stay in town this week and ride around in their animal rescue limo searching for dead and dying vermin along the roadside so they can try and claim that their rides around town searching for parties to crash are also animal rescue missions and to hopefully get their gasoline bills paid by their personal foundation, Bianca's Furry Friends, and the charity that Beth works for as their chief fundraiser and useless spokesperson, the North Shore Animal League, that tries to capture purebred cats that were left homeless by floods, fires and earthquakes and give them to their celebrity supporters.

The cheapskate Sterns will try anything to save a buck and will
push their cat fostering gimmick to the limit in their
quest for free publicity and hopefully get some tax relief.

Beth, in her usual pose with
the arms outstretched,
takes selfies ad nauseam.

Oh, it's all legit, as long as the real owners never find out and want their animals back while thinking they died in the natural disaster that took away their homes and their pets while Beth just takes the purebred ones, especially the ones that are declawed. The blind cats she can take since they can't see to scratch her tacky velvet couch or chintz chairs so they can visit the main part of house for photo sessions then are dumped back into their respective cat prison cells.

Reportedly, Beth is documenting her new segment for her reality show The Real Housewife of Instagram called "The Fat, The Blind, and The Declawed" where she shows her Instafans how the disabled and dismembered cats can crawl around the kitchen and dining areas of her cat prison camp in the Hamptons and she poses them on countertops since they are either fat, blind or declawed to prove how awesome she is at setting up her feline photo props for her dozens and dozens of cat photos she uploads to the Internet making everyone nauseous. Yep, all those years working as a stagehand on the Letterman show and as Backstage Bethie on Broadway sure come in handy now for her reality show and staging all these phony photoshoots, right Beth?

#stupidbethtorturescats #naughtycountercatsbitchybeth

Permed Pudgy Howard is now wearing coats that are three sizes too big to make it look like he is losing weight. Howard reportedly carries around a cardboard box with "cat rescue kit" printed on the side so his limo rides back and forth from his radio studio might be considered charity work. If the driver runs over a cat along the route, Howard stuffs it in the box so Beth can take a dozen selfies with its remains while crying over her wine and pizza dinner with her paid worshippers from Franistan posting compliments on Instagram in garbled English in their attempts at showing support for the tiresome selfie worker Beth.

So, same dress, different day? Or is it just the usual bullshit where Beth takes a bunch of photos all at once of each batch of captured cats and then doles them out on Instagram. She normally switches hats and photoshops a cat or two into the photo to make it look like the photos are taken everyday and that Beth does something other than chase down runaway hair extensions.

Beth thinks genuine leather is okay with the designer logo stamped in the hide claiming she doesn't wear fur but Hung Handsome Howard Stern does. 

"Hung Handsome Howard" (HHH) was a persona from years ago that recently emerged again on Howard Stern's satellite radio show and he gave this alter personality a name, as we found out, is HHH. Howard always complains that when women get old they wear short haircuts when it's Howard who is now an aged woman with the short permed weave. That weave is so thick there is no scalp at all showing and it's kind of pushed back too far on his head as he tries to cover up and hide whatever is hiding under that nerf thicket.

Gorgeous Heidi Klum is in the July 4th Edition of Hamptons magazine and will be featured on the cover of an upcoming issue as we wonder where Beth will be featured other than in a driveway with chalk drawn around another dead carcass of a "stray" cat she once fed.

I guess we won't see Beth or Howard driving themselves around the Hamptons as celebs were asked how they start their busy days and of course Simon Cowell knows how to live and just how to spend that dough he makes from producing and starring in his own hit reality/talent shows while taking care of his priorities in life.