Stern's Star Has Fallen and It Can't Get Up

Since Howard Stern got the standard "Take It Or Leave It" contract from executives from NBC's "America's Got Talent" (AGT) back in early 2015, Howard decided to leave it because the show was moving back to Los Angeles after trying for four years to boost ratings by having the show based in New York with the aged shock jock dinosaur as a judge planted at the end of the judges table replacing the outgoing Piers Morgan who replaced Larry King on CNN thereby creating a giant black hole at AGT and who better to fill a giant black hole than a giant pudgy dildo, yes, the New York tourist attraction, the relic Howard Stern. Ever since Howard was pushed off the end of the judges table, Howard has been in panic mode wondering how to score some headlines in the mediocre press, since I mean, he can hardly compete with real news of the world or compete with real Hollywood and TV stars including news about the top cable TV shows and series, so he is now adrift in the sea of forgetfulness since the entire world has never heard of him and the U.S. wants to be free of him and Howard was boomeranged back to a satellite dish where you have to pay to hear the endless droning of an aged DJ who sits alone in a studio with staff sent home or hiding behind a tacky purple couch or hiding in the back office crowded into a few cubicles typing away endlessly on Internet message boards hoping to drum up some Stern drama here and there while Marcie Turk The Terminator is on a mission to plant all the Stern celebrity interviews anywhere they will take root on the Internet as if anyone cares what music midgets have repackaged yet another greatest hits album from 30 years ago when everyone thinks they're dead and might have been famous one time on a planet with no Internet or cable television with one movie theater showing the Island of Lost Souls on a continuous loop.

The musical is a fictionalized version of
Andy Cohen's book "Most Talkative".

Since the start of Radio Andy on SiriusXM satellite radio in 2015, Howard has been in a frizzy tizzy over the fact that Andy Cohen has made himself into a real star, a media mogul, a producer of the Real Housewife cable TV shows and spin-offs and guess what, he now has a musical about himself and his real housewives sending Howard back to those meetings wondering the status of his musical "Stern, the Bright Star" and why it's still stuck on the drawing table working out plot lines and writing soul searching songs like "What About Tomorrow" featuring a singer portraying the rarely vertical inebriated wife of Howard Stern who ponders what will happen next when Howard finally implodes from being massively ignored by everyone in the mainstream press, in both the Florida and Hamptons social circles and basically, is shriveling up in his potted plants with his weave wilted and dried up.

Famous Andy turned 48 on June 2, and loves taking his dog out for walks in New York as we wonder where Howard Stern's dog is? Oh right, Bianca the bulldog where Beth Ostrosky Stern overfed it and then incinerated it and stuffed it in an urn in her bedroom in the Hamptons. How sweet. I can't wait to see that reenacted for off-Broadway audiences before Howard can come up with the dough to reserve a stage on Broadway. Gosh, having a furnace on stage might be dangerous, but I guess they can fake anything nowadays, look at that face and hair topper on Beth, that's about as fake as you can get.

About every three months the Sterns visit their Florida Surgery & Botoxology Selfie Center with a few cats in tow so they can count it as a charitable rescue mission where they try and rescue their falling faces and pudgy bodies from old man time as they badger their agent to plant some stories in the press and get a beat going on that dead drum that is called their mundane lives sliding into oblivion as this blogger watches what happens...oh, yes, I will be here bringing the stories and will stick it out to the bitter end of a lifeless DJ who spins on made up fairy tales claiming that it's all okay since it makes for good radio while he continues to stay afloat via the good graces of a few scientologists who are always around to do the Stern show while Howard's ex-sister in law married one, right? Oh, maybe she was only dating a scientologist as Howard is stuck with wife #2 who thinks posting selfies on Instagram is charity work as she works and works her cat adoption gimmick until it's as dried up as her fossilized face as she reaches the big 5-0 in a few short years.

Goddamn, Howard is so desperate for any press he actually responded to an email from Stuttering John Melendez that was sent to Stern's selfie monster wife Beth - and yes, Howard responded since he is desperate to get ANY press, ANY attention that he now has to pretend that he's not mad that Jay Leno hired Stuttering John as his announcer on The Tonight Show just for spite years ago. It was always Howard's dream to get his own late night talk show when all he got was a bunch of unaired pilots and one talk show with the E Channel that was so awful with Howard wearing women's makeup that producers just decided to film his daily terrestrial radio show and that was that until they finally kicked him off the air and he has been struggling ever since.

We can't wait for Howard's musical as he circles the drain of oblivion waiting for the aged fossils from Hollywood or the music industry to grace his studio to pre-tape a bunch of interviews so Howard can just sit and hit buttons all day in between those dozens of commercials on his rarely live satellite radio show.