Touch Down

Finale of Season 11
Germany's Next Top Model

Heidi Klum, the supermodel, entrepreneur and global superstar with three shows on television, has touched down in Cannes in true form and showing her true form and not deformed fallen breast implants or bizarre lipo lumps as she wrapped up Season 11 of Germany's Next Top model and headed for the French Riviera. Yes, Heidi has the life that Howard Stern can't afford to buy his loser wife from Pittsburgh. Miss Nobody from Nowhere, who never modeled anything pre-Howard but plus sized ugly lingerie and plus sized wool coats posing next to a cow.

Heidi touching down in Cannes 5-13-16.

In the Howard Stern satellite studio next week is supposed to be the famed writer of the Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour, Steve Martin, for a pre-approved scripted interview. Yes, Steve Martin, who has a bizarre personal history ranging from being an alleged Mormon to an alleged Scientologist to an alleged closeted transvestite who finally hired a wife and baby to stop the gay rumors. 

His past? Oh, I don't know, let's see if Howard Stern will cover any of this ground with Mr. Broadway Steve Martin, with that loser musical Bright Star with the premise of a live baby stuffed in a giant suitcase and thrown from a moving train into a river hoping it would die, but it doesn't and grows up and comes back to his mother decades later who thought she gave him away to be adopted and she is underwhelmed by the whole thing but manages to sing about it. Martin managed to purchase a bunch of Tony nominations for the musical but no one thinks he or his show will win anything. Bright Star has been shopped around looking for investors since 2013 and finally made it to Broadway this year with zero notables showing up to the dismal premiere, with Howard Stern and his dumb wife showing up with freebie tix courtesy of the Sirius corporation.

Anyway, hopefully I can get through the Steve Martin personal bio with a bunch of "alleged" to cover everything as sources say he dated that lesbian [alleged, right?] Diane Keaton, Helena Bonham Carter [few alleged miscarriages with the white haired wonder], famed Scientologist turned lesbian Anne Heche, had an alleged blow dryer blow out and melee with Bobcat Goldthwaite, and raged against Mel Gibson for his anti-semitic movie the Passion in the New Yorker. Howard's listener can't wait for Steve Martin to come into the studio and hear Howard have the Big O and corner him for a donation to Beth's kitten prison camp in the Hamptons where she claims that badgering kittens and posting about 20 pix per day of the same cats on Instagram is considered charity work.

Everyone knows Robin Quivers is touched in her bald head and throws a tantrum when her agent forgets to get her something in the press where she can get her picture taken as we are amazed that NASA could construct a girdle to push all of her fat into her breast implants, which she should have had removed years ago since the fat just grows around them of course with the formerly flat chested Robin off her meds and gained weight like there was no tomorrow but apparently there was for this victim of alleged lapband surgery that went awry since she couldn't stop eating and a huge growth formed in her lower abdomen requiring hours of surgery where Howard Stern stated live on his radio show that he was planning her funeral when everyone knows he was giddy with the thought of a bump up in his salary with Robin's planned exit from this planet with her spirit lost in space. Poor Howard, he really was expecting to be free of Robin, but oh well, life happens.

Simon Cowell keeps scoring touch downs what with him taking back his show "America's Got Talent" which will premiere at the end of this month and now he scored a former Pussycat once again who is skipping the boring lights of Broadway and going for the glitter of a live television reality show.

How many times has Beth done this? Well, this is what happens when you are a short fat fug in 7 inch heels with a wig that's too heavy for your head and you lie about your age. This is Meghan Trainor on The Tonight Show making an ass out of herself but then she's got a lot of padding back there.