Beth Is Not For Him Only

Original Birkin Bag

Howard Stern launched his 33+ year old failed model girlfriend Beth O in the magazine FHM [For Him Magazine] which died a slow death in the US and barely hung on via an Internet only version and it's now defunct. 

When Howard was ready to admit defeat that he could never score a real model desperate enough [who was under 50 years old] to sign that hilarious pre-nup and agree to be "the wife" of Mr. Straight Corporate America when everyone knows he's hooked on his long time companion Ralph the Stylist [along with his new buddy Felix the Tailor who is always seen in and out of Howard Stern, I mean, his apartment], he had to take Beth. So, he ferreted out a photographer to take Beth's picture to somehow prove she was a sexy model and FHM was the only so-called adult magazine that would take her and Howard's dough. It was all a crashing failure with Beth coming off as a fugly average mall walker from the burbs with giant choppers and wonked out crazy eyes and botched breast implants. FHM copied the original magazine that is still around called "lui", except it features some nude photography. Lui is a French adult magazine primarily for "him" which Beth should know since Howard Stern says she can speak French except not around him or anyone else.

So why hasn't Beth ever posed topless for men's or women's magazines? Vogue commonly features topless or semi-nude photography and most top models have posed nude for various magazines and for top photographers, as well as many celebrities most famous probably being Bo Derek, having no scruples about appearing nude in magazines and in films. There is nothing wrong with it if you've got the body to show off sans tons of airbrushing and most beautiful women don't need it. Beth on the other hand has a big question mark by her name as to whether she is a woman, with the "beautiful" part being just a hilarious joke since her face defies description. Early photos, very obscure, show her giant fug nose that has since been slimmed down between the eyes and she has the pinched nose job marks and they get more obvious with her advanced menopausal age.

Beth's life now consists of having to have animals in her photos to get anyone to print them or even look at them and is a dismal failure in the eyes of the self-proclaimed Mr. OCD, Howard Stern, who is now a deformed smudge on a satellite radio dial going nowhere obsessed with the number combinations of 4, 12, and 112. Howard, not Sirius, is mandating he work in sets of four hour shows which equal about 12 hours per week, 12 days per month, and he only wants to work about 112 weeks a year and his company is called 112 Productions. Yes, Howard is guided by those numbers but fails to see he and Beth's Q Rating is roughly 0.0. Many experts suggest that a number obsession is only secondary to the real root of the problem, which is sexual. There are a bunch of photos of Howard on the Internet in full drag queen mode aside from his on-air radio rants and obsession with the male organ that he wishes he could master and practice on with students but he's scared of Page Six. Many sources allege that the aged, mature Howard now gains great comfort relaxing at home in a beautiful silk lounging gown who is scared of reality and that somehow he will be considered a lesser human being if he were to tell the truth after all these years. But who knows, I certainly don't.

Howard claims he is going to a psychiatrist to deal with his OCD [along with that BO] since a doctor can prescribe meds that Howard needs as he tries to control his weight pretending it matters to anyone sitting at the bottom of a barrel. But that barrel might be getting pretty tight what with his over-extending himself in the real estate market and getting zero corporate sponsors of Beth's bullshit cat adoption Snatch & Dump gimmick and those cat adoption rooms in each of her three properties as she keeps having to work for the North Shore Animal League to grab public donations and pretend to be campaigning to build an invisible cat adoption center. 

Photo posted on Beth's Instagram on 4-3-16 skewing her face to hide her cursed right side. She loves her little job of dumping her feral cat rejects onto other people and claiming victory in the fight against stale selfie photo props. Beth mandates these suckers to set up their own Instagram site to praise and worship Beth O the selfie monster and star of her show The Real Housewife of Instagram.

Here's to the start of another great week as Beth enjoys some light reading and heavy dreaming about a trip to Hollywood figuring out how to stop Howard from getting half of whatever she earns.