Useless Nightmare

Just when I thought Howard Stern was still on vacation, he sneaks back into that stale radio studio inside a satellite orbiting around the globe, well, just the U.S. and I guess Canada since the UK and the European Union want nothing to do with his bullshit. 

Note to Howard: Please re-release your press release that you re-signed with Sirius. Your 112 listeners thought you retired and are falling asleep thinking you have been airing reruns since January 2016 and the rest of the US can't remember your name but think you were a judge on NBC's America's Got Talent before your money train derailed and Simon Cowell took back the Summer nights to free America from the pseudo straight man wearing a clown wig dancing on stage in his best pimp silks with the director having to yell cut since Howard seemed to be trying to grope the male contestants but defended himself by saying he was just feeling their material so Felix the Tailor and Ralph the Stylist could duplicate it and make outfits for himself and Bethie when they play dress up and have a date night at a private posh cross dressing club in Manhattan and is ready for an alibi if caught and captured by a photog by saying it was his daughter Emily having dinner with her stepmother.

Beth O'BS is back slinging it to see what sticks against the walls of her barren mom cave and is again having someone post random photos on her Instagram site and they are out of order or something, not that it matters or that anyone cares, but Beth has no clue that the intent of Instagram is to post what you are doing at the moment, not what you have done weeks ago and have some pigeon staffer post it for you, most likely it's just one of Beth's sister-in-laws [how Beth spells it] doing it and fucking it up.

Useless time line: Beth and Howard raced off that plane from Florida to NY, cutting short their Florida pseudo vacation to get their sutures removed and were a bit out of sorts hogging a red carpet on Thursday, March 24. Beth as usual is trying to get her ring in the photo to make phantom people jealous while grabbing at that piece of surgical tape on her face because her left eye was falling.

On the 25th, Howard was posing for yet another headless selfie on Instagram with Beth trying that kidnapper's trick of date stamping the photos of their captive audience by having them pose with a current newspaper. So that's supposed to be Howard posing with a current newspaper sitting on that same old couch he had in his first Hamptons home with wife #1, the subsequent rental and the house he lives in now that he had built with custom made stalls and arena for wife #2.

But wait, on the 26th Princess Beth was back in Manhattan photographing another one of her captured and dismembered felines in her cat adoption closet and also posted photos from Stalag Beth in the Hamptons, including one with Yoda saying "good night and god bless" with the hashtag since her Instagram followers are all of the mental age of 8, so who knows and it hardly matters where she is since she is running as fast as she can from fame, right? She hates it yet loves having a camera in her face 24/7 since she's quite obviously a loony tune and Howard thinks she's famous. Howard has never heard of the Internet and never dreamed we would look for her modeling photos before Howard stuck her in FHM and other magazines after he announced she moved in with him and was there to stay.

On the 27th she was back to dumping cats on a bunch of fools for fame who think Combat Beth is a real star, well, what can you say, fools are fools and their money is soon parted from them as Beth wants your dough and is only interested in collecting donations for her charitable scam called her foundation, Bianca's Furry Friends, that hijacks a bit of legal tender on its way to her other charitable cause to build herself a cat adoption center with BFF's name on it [oh, you know, donated by Howard and Beth Stern yet financed by the public], at the North Shore Animal League.

We don't know how many cats Beth will have dismembered or disfigured for attention, but if anyone has the stomach for it, can go see for themselves and follow the horror that is called "The Real Housewife of Instagram" featuring Frau Frankenstein Beth who is using all the extra cat parts to put together one giant Trojan Cat monster and hide inside to get behind the walls of the North Shore Animal League with her army of monkeys to stage a coup and take over the entire operation. She is currently their official chief fundraiser and official useless spokesperson but she wants it all and become their official useless president. Beth really needs her own James Bond movie at this point, when you get to her level of insanity, it's global takeover time and we need MI6 and Bond to rescue the Hamptons [the home base of the megalo fug face Beth] and the world from this useless nightmare [you thought I was talking about Howard, right?].

Trojan Horse Beth is transforming herself into a Trojan Cat to take over as El Presidente of the North Shore Animal League and become their useless leader.

Gosh, big week, is it over yet? Wasn't Robin O'Whalerock sitting in, I mean, actually in the studio? I guess she is fulfilling her quota since Howard is just staring into outer space in that dead studio of his trying to coerce anybody to stop by so he can conduct the world's most boring interview. 

Note to Howard: Please have one of your cutie Latino coffee boys fetch you a bunch of the morning tabloids and have Fred the Wonder Mike with the useless sound drops stop playing with himself and actually earn his keep by highlighting a bunch of articles for you to read on the air, primarily, from the gossip pages since there is a whole world out there of real celebrities that are actually doing something and promoting movies that will never ever step foot inside your satellite cone of silence because real stars know they are only reaching the same set of stale subscribers and not the masses and reaching new people clicking on their TVs or listening to their free car radio or Internet radio and accessing tons of content that is free for the asking sans a frizzy weaved old man providing updates of his latest stalking attempts of aged celebs, retired and otherwise, and who thinks that President Nixon was someone to actually read about when the entire world already knows he had no clue of what was morally right and wrong in a "normal" society. Oh, never mind. Sorry, Howard needs to be told right from wrong, up from down, boy from girl, and wife from model. My bad.

Did Howard mention the passing of a doll? Patty Duke was hooked on dolls, right? Well, she is gone now and the Oscar winner will be remembered for that awesome role in the Valley of the Dolls and that she allegedly aborted Desi Arnaz Jr's baby and had an affair with Ol' Blue Eyes [obviously the dad and not the son Frank Jr who just recently died after a long battle with having no talent].





#pattyduke #sharontate #nsal #valleyofthedolls #dolls #cats