Death Proof?

If you want safe passage in this world filled with uncertainty, I suggest you book a flight with the Witch of the East, Beth O'Death Proof. Rarely will anything happen to a profound ass like Beth Ostrosky, the rarely vertical stumbling moron who thinks that her afternoon crash and burn sessions after a night of hitting the Clooney wine is considered meditating when all she thinks about is how many homeless kittens she can stuff inside her kitten rooms at her houses set up by Howard Stern to satisfy the selfie monster and the tax man. Howard came up with Beth as his wife character in his scripted life, but who marries a groupie? Well, at least two people with the initials HS and RZ. Emily Stern said her father married a model when she meant groupie; hmmm, typo I guess in the NY Post. Emily is still shell shocked by the divorce of her parents when she failed to notice her father only showed up on weekends at the family house on Long Island. Poor dear, I guess she wasn't let out of her cage very often.

So when this Yoda thing finally dies, will Beth, [the TM deep thinker in the Wells of the Hamptons Life Partner Swapping Community] find another phony cat to market? All this cat Yoda does all day is hog the top shelf of his cat tree at Stalag Beth in the Hamptons, that's his job, and does nothing else aside from eating everything in sight as Beth is stuffing his face nonstop praying for another premature death of a pet that she can turn into another personal foundation. 

The photo below is of Yoda playing hide and seek with Blind Buddy. Beth's new book is about how Yoda gets a "Buddy" but Beth actually named him Blind Buddy on her Instagram site. He is long gone from Stalag Beth because he fell deathly ill and had to be adopted by his veterinarian. Yoda's only buddy is Yoda. 

Super Beth fans from the National Association of Groupies (NAG) claim that Beth is not only a successful groupie who excelled at stalking, but she is also deeply religious since she wears both Catholic and Jewish gold plated jewelry and posts the photos on her Instagram site so the online fly-by-night company won't charge Howard Stern $12.99 per piece. Point taken. It's bigger than the phony cat fostering and charity gimmick, Beth is a spiritual deep thinker as she thinks about the future facing Emily Stern and her team of lawyers. 

It's no secret why Emily Stern has found religion after her big accomplishment as a failed stage actress. Her debut on stage was performing an embarrassingly bad parody of Madonna [as if that's possible, but it was] and sang with that flinty voice of hers. A reviewer of her next flop in a stage play in Santa Monica called "Earth Sucks" described Emily's voice as passable among the other singers in the play. But someone said, not me, that all three of Howard's daughters should find religion and see if Jewish girls can join a convent. Well, none of them are exactly what you would call pretty even with their plastic surgery. I hear their surgeon has plead the fifth and won't be appearing anywhere to answer the question of why they're still ugly except in Howard's photoshopped photos. But Emily has now deemed herself a big spiritual photographer after getting free cameras and shit from daddy since he took up photography and marketed that stupid wife of his wearing cats and arm warmers. We all remember that arm warmer company which Beth managed to sink into nothing and it's now a stagnant business run by Beth's little friend from school that she manages to keep quiet and not run to the tabs with any fun stories of BJ Bethie at 9 years old, but let's not go there now. 

No, I did not photoshop that awesome laser beam on her head, it's real. Emily is a serial non-dater of men and finally wanted tabloid press in the NY Post while her showing of a few of her photographs of weeds and swamps in a gallery in Canada was a huge failure, so now onto a Brooklyn gallery where her photographs can be ignored there for two months.

But looks are not everything, look at Beth, she also has no talent and is surprisingly unmarketable in all media. She survives on zero looks and Howard is the big winner who selected Beth, like remember his old girlfriend? Yes, Sally Kirkland, one of the Stern stable of women, wow, fast lane Stern. I hope this recent photo of her doesn't stir up those old fun memories and he wishes for another lap around that bed being chased by Sally with a buggy whip...ha, now you know why he likes Beth so much, he really is into the horses, leather, whips, you get it.

11/13/15, Howard's OLD flame Sally Kirkland at Beth's old lady haunt, Craig's Restaurant in West Hollywood. It seems all of Stern's exes like that restaurant, Mary McCormack, Gina Gershon....a bunch of old whores, oops typo, I mean ladies.

Will there ever be any governmental intervention at Stalag Beth to free the kitten photo prop prisoners? We hope so, since Frau Beth is no piece of cake to be around with that pink iPhone stuck in her bloated and Botoxed face 24/7 with Howard posing fully clothed at Stalag Beth as he stares at his phone waiting for the signal that his limo is waiting to take him back to his Village hideout, I mean hideaway.

This is the season of Beth as she is in her usual frenzy with her annual holiday season cash grab to benefit herself and paying herself first as the big cheese fundraiser for the North Shore Animal League and her personal foundation, Bianca's Furry Friends.