Surviving Howard Stern

Simon Cowell is on his way to recovery and can see
light at the end of the tunnel with less frequent
flashbacks as he copes with his Post-Traumatic
Stern Stress Disorder.

I am sure anyone who cared has read the exclusive press release from US Magazine online that Simon Cowell has officially announced that he is taking a job as a judge on his show, America's Got Talent (AGT) in 2016. We know it was reported Simon also was going in One Direction, having Louis Tomlinson as a guest judge on the X Factor in Britain but also wanting Louis to appear on AGT as a permanent judge. We wonder who else will get bumped off the judges' table since old man Stern finally left the show and called leaving AGT after his four-year stint a "retirement", some trigger word coined by his psycho hippy doctor since old man Stern can't handle the words "quit or be fired". The producers kindly let the old man save his facelift by letting him press release he is retiring from a show that was never his, and no one retires from any job after four years unless maybe you are 65 years old and handed a golden parachute. Stern can't face facts he is at retirement age from all the jobs on the planet, having no history or fame to look back on, it isn't like hiring, oh say, Robert Redford for a job on television.

Speaking of which, Redford's current movie might have set an all time record for tanking on its limited release making a pathetic $11,000 per theater average grossing about $66,000. It is scheduled to be released nationwide on October 30. But no one can argue Redford had a long run in movies and invented the Sundance Film Festival in Utah. His record is plainly evident, you don't have to ferret it out and find out it's all lies and phony press releases planted like the pranks Howard Stern has to do. But the material is perfect for the Stern show since it's a movie about Dan Rather, I mean, there's a movie about him? Sounds like old man Stern might score an interview with Redford? Don't know, he is old enough at 89 years old and has to remind the public he isn't dead even though the Stern show is. Okay, so after an actor quits his TV series, and the TV series continues, it's a retirement? No, he was pushed off the show. Even when Jerry Seinfeld decided to end his sitcom he never said he was retiring, he was ending his show and it did not move forward without him. Enough said about that.

With Jimmy Kimmel back in Brooklyn this week taping his shows, it seems like he is getting the same guests from 2012 and not much new content, well, unless you think 75 year old Bill Murray is new. Jimmy will have his job for another 20 years unless ABC wakes up and wants a real star in that time slot with a real talk show and not pre-recorded shit videos with Jimmy in various stages of drag. The Jimmy Kimmel Live Twitter site doesn't even have one million followers.

2012, Howard's face is a frozen mask of facelift and spackle and heavy pancake makeup as he always covers up and hides his freakish proportions and borrows Beth O's shoes.

Most people know to avoid Howard Stern but some get suckered into his world of wack-packers and paid stooges who plant items in the press about the tired boring shock jock whose stale spark has been doused with water since joining the corporate cloud and having to clean up his act or face personal lawsuits against his stupid radio show. All Howard is left with is self-praise affirmations that he chants on the air forgetting he is on the air since most of his radio show content is pre-recorded so his attorneys can check out the content before it goes on the air, and so that the celebrities who still have a career and are under 65 want to be sure not to say anything that might offend whatever fans they believe they have left on this planet. Howard Stern's interviews are to be tolerated, since celebs like Bradley Cooper are forced to do the rounds on many talk shows, radio, in the press, wherever they can get public interest in their latest movie that normally only lasts a few months in theaters before it's dumped onto the cable TV market.

Favreau threw a fake Iron Man
helmet at Stern and ran hoping
that he was free and
clear of  Howard.

So who has survived Howard Stern? Who got free before getting stuck in the vortex? Well, Simon Cowell was just freed from the ratings killer Howard Stern and his rarely vertical pariah wife Beth O'Nobody who kept sticking her football head into group audience shots or walking the AGT red carpet. But a bunch of producers and directors have felt the sting of being stuck with Stern, for example, Jon Favreau or J.J. Abrams and have had to placate the old fart and pretend they are friends as they quietly extricate themselves and seek refuge in the community property state of California, Howard's kryptonite. What about women? Gossipers on the street behind alleys of LGBT bars have whispered that sources say, allegedly, the reason Howard Stern could never hide his disdain for the successful actress Amanda Peet had nothing to do with Beth Stern horning in on her film "Whipped", where Beth's friend Brian Van Escort threw the dog a bone and allowed her a 2 second talking part right before the credits roll. Howard makes up a story that Beth had a huge part in that film but Amanda was jealous of Beth and stepped on her star and stole her boyfriend Brian [ha ha ha, sorry, I just fell off my bar stool in my home theater trying to open the door of my countertop Marshall refrigerator]. Howard can sure spin a tale and likes to spin some fairytale that he hates Amanda, that she's a bitch or whatever....the backstory? 

Well, it's an old rumor but a good one. During Howard's alleged single wild days of dating between the time his divorce was considered final from wife #1 and before Beth O'trocity moved her wide ass into his Manhattan penthouse and refused to leave, Howard hit on Amanda Peet at a private club and bar in New York. When the laughter subsided at her table with her gal pals, she told off the aged radio DJ and good. Howard's ego was fresh from a hypno session and he thought he could actually score a date with the superstar. The snub sent the aged shock jock back to his man cave with his baked potato and salad take-out in a little cardboard box and cried on the shoulder of his life partner Ralph thinking that he will never score a beard worthy of his new ego since he was a movie star  and television producer at this point. 

Howard has a type, and you can see Sally
fits, with that overly bleached wig and
botched implants. Oh yes, you are seeing
the future Beth O.

Oh, such is the tough life of a dumped and divorced DJ who was desperate to score a famous actress or model. As this blogger mentioned a few times in the past all Stern got were offers from hookers and porn stars as girlfriends and an aged married D Lister from The Factory who was revealed eons ago by someone in the press that she had an affair with Stern, hey, he digs the hagathas with the wigs and chains, no judgment here, just repeating old gossip. Now you see why it's so important that Howard can prove Beth "modeled" since he could get no mainstream real model or actress to consider committing personal and professional suicide by pretending to live with the dolt and pretend he's not a cross dresser with a life partner. I mean, porn stars don't care, they are up for anything, but Howard had to show up wife #1 and prove he wasn't a loser by scoring a real model, right? Right, a real fat model, but a model is what he got in Beth O'Plus Size Lingerie Model. Oh, you proved it all right Howard, you're not a loser, you're a winner all the way while Beth's former targets bow down to their respective gods thanking you for taking the sucker bait and getting your Beth.


We love to see celebrities donating their time like Siegfried and Roy in Las Vegas working with the Make A Wish Foundation where a disabled girl was lucky enough to meet the celebs in person on October 22 and feed a tiger cub to celebrate SARMOTI cubs day at the Mirage Hotel.

I know, obvious, so why doesn't Howard or Beth work with the Make A Wish Foundation? Well, it's kind of sad, since that Foundation only received one wish relating to Howard and Beth and the call came from inside their house. The person wished that they could watch Howard Stern wall himself inside a closet permanently in Florida and OD during his helium and spanx ritual while they wished they could have a photo of Beth wearing cement sandals taking a selfie with Jaws. Oh well, maybe one day the Sterns will make someone happy and fulfill a wish that doesn't include selfie promotion and sticking Beth's squeezed head into her iPhone camera ad nauseam having a million photos posted on that free site called Instagram that Beth thinks is her personal website with real fans.

Meanwhile, is Heidi Klum dressing as the Goddess of Love for Halloween? We just can't wait to see her costume this year and who shows up at her A List party, normally held in New York with the Sterns never having been invited. Well, maybe the Sterns will decide to celebrate Halloween this year and get an invite from Heidi. They can dress up as twin pariahs.