Stern: Shaken and Stirred

The Nip & Turk Twins were
seen on a red carpet July 24,
at a loser Hamptons screening
of the latest Mission Impossible
movie.

Howard admitted on Tuesday's rarely live satellite radio show that he is riddled with anxiety and forcing coffee down his throat. Insiders are worried that Howard is on a liquid diet to lose some pounds while having to sober up every morning avoiding that much needed liquid courage to face his stale satellite radio audience consisting of corporate investors who have the show piped into the elevators of their buildings in Manhattan. Howard is also suffering since having that latest round of plastic surgery as is evident with his freshly lasered face and swelling around the cheeks and forehead in recent photos appearing on the Internet. Old men should watch the elected surgeries, it takes a toll on the heart and swollen egos. Howard also goes through panic attacks when his psychiatrist takes a break and hides out on Fire Island for a month of fun with the boys, sans Howard. 

Terrified Howard has to face that TV
camera for the live tapings of AGT 
every week as well as facing that
weaved thicket he glues onto his
head since his hair transplants are
falling out due to anxiety from
The Turk's Turkey, which was the big
concept of the re-branding of Howard
Stern. Will The Turk Force finally get
Howard to admit that he is a transvestite?

Howard is completely shaken by having to face that television camera in his final days as a pseudo judge of a reality show on NBC "America's Got Talent" (AGT) with deer-in-the-headlights Stern panicking over the unrehearsed antics of his fellow co-judges on the show. Howard can't handle it, he isn't in show business, he has no clue how to act or react in front of a camera unless it has been scripted and rehearsed. Howard has been a stooge reading from a script for 30 years hiding behind a microphone on the radio. Even his E Channel show was just a static video of his radio show with producers having to edit it down for broadcast and putting black-out boxes on the screen to censor the naked girls who regularly paraded in and out of his studio. All that ended since Stern is now happily married to a fug wife he doesn't live with and was desperate to be likeable again to his disappearing audience since his first wife cut and run from the idiot who thought he could become Hollywood Howie and score a real model. 

So, per Marci Turk rules, Howard ditched the naked women and loves the penis talk along with the coffee talk since Howard thinks it will lead to more work on television and movies. Well, good luck with that, we love to see an old fart begging for scraps from media moguls who are trying to fill channels and cast films with people under 60 years old.

On Tuesday's dead radio show, Howard had some boring drivel about cornering a few people to visit his Hamptons Hideaway which has long been converted into a feral feline prison camp called Stalag Beth. I think Howard, however, failed to mention trying to get the famous Neil Patrick Harris to take a few of Beth's feral kittens off her hands and stage a huge photo shoot, all to serve their publicity needs and get Neil to pose for free with Beth and Howard by documenting the kitten dumping session. In an online article dated August 11 for People Magazine, the Tony Award winner turned down Beth and Howard's offer of taking any of Beth's feral foster cats, stating his kids were too young. We wonder if Neil was barricaded in the Hamptons Hellhole until he forked over some dough for Beth's personal foundation, Bianca's Furry Friends, to continue to fund Beth's dismal rise to fame in the guise of charity work.

Stern show producer Gary and
his wife Large Marge at the
Joan Rivers memorial gathering
in New York.

Howard did talk about having Gary and his wife Large Marge over at the house and wanted details of their sex life. Howard often fantasizes about sex with large women since marrying Big Bethie O'Nobody with Howard having sex with no one except himself since he and Beth are rarely at the same residence at the same time. Howard normally corners some staffers and paid stooges to come over every quarter for a meeting to scrounge up some content for his dull satellite radio show so Howard could use Beth's corporate digs, Stalag Beth, the hub of activity for her personal foundation, Bianca's Furry Friends. Beth and Howard have an ongoing job of badgering the public for money to fund an invisible kitten habitat at the charity that pays Beth a salary as their useless spokesperson, the North Shore Animal League.

Turk has a bigger
jawline than Hulk Hogan.

Howard continues with his on-air anger and jealousy of Howie Mandel on Tuesday's satellite radio show, about him trying to film Howard backstage at the live tapings of AGT. Everyone behind the scenes is gossiping that it's misdirected anger over his anxiety and frustration at the she-man he hired, the one who is re-branding Howard Stern into a vanilla transvestite who loves penis and coffee talk. Turk is a team leader of the teachings of the guru spiritual leader of the "Getting Things Done" author David Allen, who thinks you should download your brain and put everything on paper. Well, the jerk has packed up and moved to Amsterdam with his fourth...what?...yes, fourth wife. Now that is getting things done! 

And to think Howard is only on his second wife? OMG, get things done Howard, the author of this Getting Things Done bullshit is already on his fourth wife. Remember to write down everything! Your brain is not there to store stuff but for downloading onto paper! Yes, be an empty headed fruitcake that can't remember shit unless it's written down and you will have success in life!!

Start writing things down now, Howard, don't store it inside that frizzy weave...you know, like "get up in the morning", oh wait, is that something you can delegate, procrastinate and meditate about, or dump in the garbage after contemplating it for weeks? 

Don't clog that genius brain Howard, write everything down:

1) Badger the public for money to fund Beth's useless life; 2) dinner with Ralph, what is it this time, blonde wigs and heels?; 3) meditate after sitting in a chair for four hours reading live commercials and call it a work product and pretend I am not sleeping; 4) fire off more emails to publishers to ghostwrite my new and revised autobiography [remember, reject letters mean new opportunities!!]; 5) avoid Beth by texting her that I have a ton of meetings with Hollywood producers wanting to make me a star.

Now get to writing, Beth Fans, if it's worth doing it's worth writing down and pushing it aside until someone else does it for you.