Dragon Ladies

We forget Miss Pam was once young and quite pretty before she went global and became the toy of movie moguls, rock stars, actors, producers, directors, billionaires and international playboys. But, one person she probably wishes she could forget but she got a mansion and an addition to her collection of wedding and engagement rings and that was Mr. Hep C. No, not Tommy Lee, but Kid Rock. Yes, according to a few gossip sites from days gone by, it was alleged that the Kid had infected the drama queen and she has been paying for it ever since what with bouts of hair loss due to chemo and various drug cocktails. But she reigns supreme in her wealth and wealthy suitors and is now the Dragon Lady of the Far East, the Middle East, the Near East, the Southeast, the East East, and the East of Eden.

This Pretty Baby had a rough upbringing which comes as a surprise to everyone but the Dragon Lady herself since she lives in a world of confusion and described her mother in her new book [There Was a Little Girl] as nothing more than a drunk who bedded men whenever and wherever she could and couldn't seem to stay out of bars all night. Her mom racked up frequent flyer miles with Brooke in tow to South America to spend time with her longtime married boyfriend who never married her. Brooke survived running from country to country rising through the ranks of the modeling world with little trouble at all rarely sleeping and eating dinners at 5 AM after all night photoshoots in Paris. She was dragged through the mud when she was allowed to be naked on screen for Louis Malle by Mommy Dragon and allowed to pose nude for a photog while mom headed to the nearest bar to spend Brooke's wages with Brooke barely batting an eyelash. Now, the fully developed Dragon Lady flies around the globe as Best Dragon Lady at lesbian weddings while hubby is the mommy dearest to their kids. She is heading for the big 5-0 on May 31 and no one had better mess with this Dragon Lady. She will eat your kids and claim it's postpartum depression. 

Not sure this lady is really all dragon but looks like what a dragon would throw up. She is  the alleged Queen of the Isle of Lesbos and Howard Stern loves her. She participated in a little infomercial that aired on the super old E Channel when Stern had his radio show taped for airing on the cable channel. He did a behind the scenes video to show his fan how he shot some of the photos that appear inside his book "Miss America" and Miss Suzanne did a promo spot. Good for her, she is one of Stern's leopard girls alright with a face that would scare away dragons. So if you are having problems with dragons around your house, please call Suzanne.

Did I forget someone? Oh right, the one who wrote the Dragon Lady's Handbook for wayward pigeon-toed pudgy pariahs with eyes that are rarely synchronized. But she got the nose job and after digging her claws into a bewildered roving transvestite looking for love in all the wrong leather bar places, she got tons more work done on that face including the giant wig comb-over for her receding hairline due to male pattern baldness. She's allegedly so mean, she scared those bleached blonde hairs right out of their roots on the top of her head. 

When she bares those teeth you had better run and hide, who don't know what's coming next. Why do you think this Dragon Lady's husband always has a body guard with him when visiting Beth's prison camp for feral cats housed behind stone walls, iron gates and massive search lights and alarms should anyone or anything try and leave without this lady's permission. Whips and chains, indeed, why do you think Howard Stern is almost always covered up with clothes and sleeves covering his hands? Bite marks, whip marks, you name it and maybe I had better not name it if I want to keep this blog alive and not become dragon food. LOL

Princess Bethie is all Bag It and Drag It back to the den as quickly as possible since she has a rough time staying vertical for more than two hours at one time. This is because of her checkered past which was rumored to be mostly horizontal with a giant permanent bump in the back of her head from hitting the steering wheel. Oops, she can't drive, but then, oh right, not the frontal lobe damage but the back...oh, it's a visual, you will have to imagine how the blushing shy girl went in reverse and got permanent brain damage and is now so feared she makes Fu Manchu's daughter look like Mary Poppins.

Keep your eye on Stalag Beth this summer. You never know what might be caught and captured and looking back at you through a little window. It might be someone familiar.