Cracking Up

We all know that Howard said he would press release this week on whether he would be joining "America's Got Talent" (AGT) for another season. We also know his pigeon wife flew to LA a few weeks ago and could easily have delivered Howard's signed contract to NBC and all it would take was their review and sign-off on Howard's demands, as he really is in demand, right?

Everyone has to tolerate Beth's
10 yr old little girl
personality.

So now the ball is in NBC's court, or at least in the arena of AGT producers. Of course we hear nothing coming from the West Coast but AGT producers never knew what Howard's real comedic talent was, and that he is writing contracts for himself and his dolt wife whose little girl voice is stuck in a time warp when she was 10 years old and abducted by aliens and abused and violated in exchange for free hamburgers and cigarettes, and, well, I will go no further. But Dr. Drew used to have a cable TV show with Adam Corolla taking calls from the public. Dr. Drew could pinpoint the year of abuse suffered by woman caller who had a disturbing little girl voice, but she was a grown adult woman hanging onto childhood. Dr. Drew said, if the abuse can be talked about and acknowledged and the victim receives treatment, the adult woman's voice would return to normal, but can Beth ever be normal? She acts like a stupid 10 year old and remains a stupid 45 year old who shaves off a few years but her fake age is still in menopausal territory. 

But, will AGT execs be able to stop laughing long enough to finally acknowledge that Stern is serious with his AGT contract? I am sure they don't really know if Stern's demands are serious or not and wouldn't we just love Howard to tell us all about it and stop with the phony psychiatry bit? Or is going to a psychiatrist a condition of employment? 

Well, I rarely reveal my sources and I'm not going to now, but I have obtained a version of the contract from the online storage cloud, so bear in mind, we are not sure of the final version that went with Carrier Pigeon Beth to LA, but here is a description of the information that fell out of the sky:

(1) Howard wants a raise, so instead of that past $30 million for three years deal, he wants $30 million per year for the next three years. His reason? OH, he has facelift and wig expenses, paying Beth to lead his cheering section of alleged closeted lesbians and he wants free access to a private jet, clothing budget, travel expenses, and payola expenses to keep three generations of families quiet.

(2) Fire "the girls" because 90 year-olds in group homes hate them as judges. We know the reason for this one is that Howard is jealous of the real model and the real singer, and they show Beth up for being an enormous nobody.

Howard can't control himself around Heidi's dress! Is he checking the
 label so Beth can order it for him off the Internet
 and Ralph can alter it to fit his 6'5" pear shaped frame?

(3) Fire the host Nick Cannon for acting too black and cheating on his wife and that subsequent messy divorce reflected badly on AGT...oh, Howard can't remember the wife's name but he thinks she might have been a singer somewhere.

Mariah got on the cover of Playboy magazine, and where is Beth's cover? 
It resides safely inside her fantasy world where she turned them down.

(4) Fire Howie Mandel since he is a scene stealer and is funny when Howard is a sirius judge. Howie also has too many shows, and one that is on this Fall when ratings count. Howard loves the summer filler season when ratings don't count and there is no pressure to be talented. Howard spends hours home alone practicing smacking a buzzer on his desk so he is ready for the taping of AGT when he has to hit the "X" buzzer on someone. Hey guys, this devotion to a meaningless, moron job will never be found in anyone under 60 yrs old.

(5) Hire a dishy dyke as Howard's co-judge, Howard being the boss. Howard  is too fruity to be around men, and all the girls love Beth, right? It will take pressure off of Howard about having kids with Beth and he can endlessly make gay jokes and everyone can talk about how hot Beth is. Plus, the gay/lesbian marriage controversy would be good for some free publicity.

(6) Hire Beth O as a superstar host and have her change outfits during each commercial break. Beth attracts a lot of attention and will delight audiences with her endless plugs of her books and calendars and general boring life of nailing photos of herself on walls and being a mom cave expert.

NBC's initial reaction to Howard's contract demands were not favorable:

So what did Beth and Howard do on Wednesday after Howard's old crone interview show? Oh, Howard had Beth spinning in circles busy with her phony Yoda cat, in a desperate attempt at copying the young and cute Taylor Swift and her new Scottish Fold cat who has landed a bona fide modeling contract when all Beth & Yoda have is a pathetic book for kiddies who want to lick foster cats and hog cat trees.

Taylor Swift's cat Olivia Benson, in a Twitter photo posted by Taylor's brother several months ago when she was still a kitten.

Copycat BETH posted this photo on Instagram of her cat Yoda, on 10/8/14.

Jill Hagatha Martin. QVC
presents FFANY shoes on
sale 10/8/14.

But why did Howard have Beth circling the city Wednesday [10/8/14] in a limo with the cat and picking up more fosters? Well, Beth is a bona fide pariah in the city, she can't crash charity events or movie screenings unless she is someone's "plus one", and besides, most events cost a lot of money to attend. Beth has frequently attended the QVC shoe sale event to benefit breast cancer research, but Howard had Beth busy as a deflection that she can rarely crash a red carpet anymore. A bunch of the real housewives showed up as well as two of Beth's aged sea hag friends that could actually be uglier than Beth.

Kelly Bensimon, a sea hag who claims to be a 
model attended the QVC FFANY shoe sale
event on 10/8/14; no Beth sightings were reported.

Here is Beth at the same QVC event in 2009 when Howard used to grease some palms to get his dolt on a red carpet so she could pretend she is a celebrity.

Mrs. Giant Fat Nose and eyes almost swollen shut from Botox overdose. 
So what happened Beth? No more red carpet events unless 
Howard gets a groupon from Sirius?

I mean, Roger Moore always said he did some modeling in London while working on his acting career, at least he has proof unlike some people: