Porky Beth

Sorry, Emily, your tantric tantrums didn't work this time and Daddy Stern chose the wife on Friday night and couldn't be on suicide watch what with you spitting up pea soup having to cancel your awesome swamp and weeds photo exhibit on Thursday because Howard and Beth have deemed themselves too famous to attend anything where there are no celebrities to harass or they can't use as a tax write-off. So you have to reschedule it when they have something to brag about and can't attend.

Rachael Ray came to the Beth Awards
dressed like a pimp [left]. She was voted
Miss FDA Recall List because of her
crappy pet food  and Lisa Lampanelli
[right] thought that pink hair would make her
look like a female pig. Oh it does. Good job.

Friday night, Beth paraded on the red carpet in an enormous granny dress looking like a huge porker pig with that head that might explode. She only needs an apple in her mouth to complete the picture. Yes, it's the North Shore Animal League (NSAL) Beth Awards show, a dull fiasco that was launched in 2006 when Howard got his corporate whoopee cushion all set with a corporate deal for the failed groupie he married that everyone has to call a model so Howard's head won't spin around and he implodes from facing his failures and has to be carted off in a straitjacket, hey, he can borrow Emily's.

Howard made it to the red carpet and has that fusilli pasta curls growing out of his head that he borrowed from Robin Quivers' wig maker, as he looked drunk and in much need of that coffee shot to sober up and face the fact he is an old fart with a huge stomach and appears he is the one that is carrying their baby while Beth looks bloated from Botox and failed IVF combo. Beth has to still cover up and hide that wide hips and upper thighs and is still covered in lipo bandages and will soon get them removed when she flies to Florida pretending it's a charity run by carting some cats back to Stalag Beth in the Hamptons. Great gimmick there guys. Maybe if Emily glued some cats to her head Howard would think about showing up to her photo exhibit in Brooklyn. But hey, Beth has to get camera ready for her big buttinsky Cabo trip next month providing the Anistons have a spare room the pariahs can rent.

What are these two trying for? They look like aged Homecoming Queens desperate to look young while Miss Menopause is wearing a tent dress to hide her private dick.

Howard looks like the next aged has-been to reveal he has a life threatening disease from bedding too many photography boy toys. Wasn't Charlie Sheen linked with Corey Haim aside from bedding Hollywood prostitutes...of both sexes? But okay, pretty funny Charlie has a lot in common with Emily in that they both suck at poetry...but Howard's photo assistants were all dates for Emily and she successfully broke up with each of them since she's a big winner. Howard was in a panic the word "lesbian" would come up in relation to Emily even though it is widely believed that some lab created species cannot reproduce anyway so no guy is going to get trapped in the Stern vortex unless they are proven producers and they have time to take the prenup to real lawyers and not Howard's Soupy Salesmen he calls lawyers that cook those books like there is no tomorrow...joking, joking, Howard is the world's most honest man, honestly deceptive.

Beth gets her usual dismal no-listers to attend her annual selfie awards, like the group Wilson-Phillips, the trio with a mini bus member who looks like all the three little pigs in one body. The group's talent is getting as far off key as humanly possible with songs no one asked them to perform. What can you expect for FREE?? Since Howard pays you zero to show up and praise his prize groupie reject and all ticket sales go straight into her personal selfie foundation. Pig-face Schumer was there too as the special guest of the event since her second cousin to her first cousin on her mother's side that is related to her uncle's third cousin is the US Senator Chuck Schumer who knows Howard and showed up in the audience at the Jimmy Kimmel Live talk show when Kimmel was in New York recently taping his show. 


The NSAL Beth Awards got off to a rocky start with a fundraiser sponsored by Contour photography, a division of Getty Images, in 2006 with Howard foisting Beth onto the charity circa 2004 as their spokesperson. Later in 2006 is when they had the fully developed Beth Awards, where NSAL would honor their paid spokesperson Beth, and a bunch of people would buy tickets to raise money to give to NSAL to help pay for all the high salaried employees and to fund the various and expensive fundraising parties and events throughout the year. All Beth has left to get anyone to notice her is to stick an animal on her body since she is the official ignored pariah of all media.

2006

Howard paid for some professional photos by Contour, a  high end division of Getty Images that resulted in a big nothing. Nobody discovered Beth. The photographer did major airbrushing since her eyes don't point in the same direction at one time. The image looks reversed and the hair is covering her eye as a distraction.

NSAL Beth Awards 2012 when the short
fug model showed up without Howard. Beth
got some use out of one of her wedding
dresses that got shelved since she
couldn't get her toad off the platter
and into a marriage contract.

Howard missed the NSAL Beth Awards in 2012 which was the year High Priestess Emily released her tunes to conjure up dead relatives and have your head spin around a few times while running for the nearest ledge. Emily barged into daddy's SiriusXM studio and used all the recording equipment and Howard's engineer and put together that CD called Birth Day, that daddy paid for, not her, no dent in her Trust Fund. In 2010, both Howard and Beth failed to attend the NSAL Beth Awards as it was alleged Beth had a Botox explosion and had to be shuttled once again to Florida for some emergency plastic surgery.

When Beth was getting her tax write-off stylist to get her camera ready for the useless Beth Awards gala in New York on Friday, where a few NSAL executives pat each other on the back for successfully badgering the public for money to fund their salaries, in California they held a National Adoption Day press conference to raise awareness that over 100,000 children are in foster homes waiting for their forever families. However, Beth and Howard Stern could not care less about children with Stern's three daughters doing nothing but sitting around getting paid by daddy.

Can't Beth open her mansions to some needy human children? Just like Beth's endless supply of kitten photo props [that she can't dump the responsibility for their care and feeding onto other people fast enough], human kids can climb all over her animal slaughter industry byproduct leather designer handbags and fall off top shelves in her closets and let Yoda the Cat kick them off his cat tree. They can do anything a cat photo prop can do. So, no book about Beth adopting a human baby? I know, if you have a baby then you can't be the baby and Beth is one pig-faced useless baby...baby.