Queen of Outer Space

Beth Stern is back in New York in her Manhattan penthouse apartments wining and dining those same stale producers of the Kitten Bowl, a cable TV show that features stale footage of a bunch of cats hitting cat toys with Beth as the big cheese host on the Beth Hallmark Channel, a cable channel that either airs a test pattern or Beth during the real Super Bowl when the entire world is watching real football and not just the football headed wife of Howard Stern.

Howard Stern loves the Gwen Stefani
look but Beth ends up looking
like Gwen's mother in a huge wig.

Since her week of Botox, fillers and sutures during Beth's big facelift vacation at the Florida Surgery Center & Phony Foster Cat Fortress, Beth's face is officially frozen and bloated with a ton of white pancake makeup since her skin is overly laser peeled and bleached to erase those aged liver spots she has on that 46 year old face that is aging rapidly and she is fighting old lady time and looking like her Martian leader Dr. Fredric Brandt, who allegedly killed himself because the aliens were calling him back to his home planet. Now Beth is quickly morphing into the Queen of Outer Space with her mask and wig firmly in place.


Since Beth posted on her Instagram site two events for Monday, we know Howard wants his budgeted bride to batch her little stupid events together so that the makeup and wigs can be paid for all at one time with Beth desperate to remain vertical and not crack her face. She was not only bothering producers to start taping the useless Kitten Bowl for the Hallmark Channel but horned in on a shoe event with her short fug friend Jill Martin, who wrote a book "Fashion for Dummies" as she was displaying how to dress like a dummy. Jill was desperate to wear the latest style when her flabby thighs stick together. She needs to have the legs of supermodel Heidi Klum to pull off this look.

Beth Horninsky was camera ready once again and back shopping for shoes since she or Howard never give actual cash to any charitable organization, nope, although I had no idea Gucci makes giant special ed shoes for morons married to stale radio DJs. Well, everyone can be wrong once in awhile.

Two fashion "don'ts" show up to hoard shoes at the QVC/FFANY sponsored event on 10/19/15 with Beth getting a free shopping pass from Miss personal shopper and on-air hysterically bad fashion consultant Jill Martin, having appeared on both The Today Show and Good Morning America. The event benefits breast cancer research. Yep, a bunch of cheapos can hoard discounted shoes and pretend it's charity work. It's the sellers that are donating to a cause, not the buyers.

While Beth was getting camera ready all day under the dryers and getting her team to strap on her spanx underpants, Howard was on the air reading from his scripted borefest satellite radio show and sounded like he was trying to come up with reasons why he should not kill himself since he is now sequestered back to mothballed radio after being kicked off television for the millionth time.

To lift his spirits, he was excited to have a guest on his show, yes, this time the aged has-been was Elvis Costello. Oh yes, the old guy is trolling around each and every talk show in NY to push some stupid book onto the public that no one wants and consented to do the Sirius gig and do a stale interview with the King of All Unaired Pilots, Howard Stern. We know Elvis got a stellar gift bag from the Stern show as he was escorted by Ronnie the limo driver to his car waiting at the curb with a therapist inside ready to tell the poor guy he is still relevant and doing the Stern show doesn't mean you are a loser that has hit rock bottom.

So okay, on Monday's show, Howard had to reiterate how stellar he thought he was on the NBC show America's Got Talent and then blathered on about horning in on the Jimmy Kimmel talk show which is taping in New York this week and Howard got the coveted Friday night slot when no one watches television. Friday night sucks and Howard got the booking!!! Whoopee....oh, don't forget, he looks like a rock star and he married a woman who modeled yet he fails to announce what she modeled. I guess those fat lingerie modeling photos leave a person wondering what the heck she is modeling and who would buy it.

Throughout Howard's long forgotten radio history, he has always maintained that he looks like a rock star and has cited examples like Ric Ocasek, Joe Perry, Keith Richards and of course any one of the Ramones since they were so goddamned ugly with one song they kept re-recording ad nauseam only changing up the one sentence they keep writing and repeating it and calling it a record. Yet, you would think an ugly guy like Howard would love Halloween, right? His big chance to wear a mask over that awful face that has not been helped by countless plastic surgery procedures. Well, no, he hates it since marrying that buzzkill second wife Beth who suddenly got a thought in her head and decided she hated Halloween because Howard insisted on dressing like a woman and so did she. So you see the conflict with these two, plus, young hot women have what? Babies. Something Beth O'Barren could never accomplish so she can hardly compete with other couples with kids around Halloween. Why is Christmas okay, well, that's the time of year Howard can thumb his nose at christianity by dressing in drag on a xmas card and pretend its funny. Oh, it's funny. Everyone laughed, no matter if you like xmas or not, while Simon Cowell locked his doors and changed his email address. Of course Beth loves everyone and loves the mandatory gift giving on both sides, the christians and the jews give gifts around the xmas season and that is all Beth can see are dollar signs and how to score some jewelry out of the cheap bastard she married that she can turn into cash and store it away in her vault filled with nuggets.

Stern show audiences had an early Halloween treat when Robin Quivers revealed her new Halloween fright weave that looks like shredded orange seaweed glued onto her balding head that never grows hair since her bout with staged cancer. Robin has been morphing into a Stern clone or clown, since her hair is similar to the shock jock and his domestic partner Ralph except Robin likes the Venusian alien color with the roots painted black so we will actually believe a 63 year old woman has no gray hair. Oh, she must have the same root painter Howard has. Howard can fix you up with the best stylists to make your balding head appear to be growing weeds.

Robin went from a Shirley Temple Black wiglet to sunburned weeds attached to her peach fuzz. You have no hairline honey, it's pulled back to the top of your head due to a facelift, ask the queen you work for, he has the same problem.

Keep counting your blessings Howard, don't fall on that Botox needle just yet and OD on it. You've got some awesome facelift tape under that weaved thicket that sits on your head, oh yes, you look like a rock star!!! And what about that piglet you married? Wow, those are awesome photos of her modeling fat polyester lingerie and don't forget her awesome invisible modeling career in Europe! Poor old Howard has to constantly march around his village hideout wearing a gown and balancing an incense cone on his head while chanting that he looks like a rock star, that everyone is jealous of him for landing a woman wearing 6 inch heels who was a global model reject, having been kicked out of college for being a football headed mentally deficient irritant and made up tall tales to the school bullies that she was being called to Europe to be a supermodel. Well, Beth never figured she would need photos to prove it, as zero have emerged of any modeling jobs in Europe whether for catalogs or on the cover of any magazines, let alone fashion magazines. 

Howard's psycho doctor needs to stop telling him to steal life stories from real rock stars like the Stones or the Beatles, who married real models whose photos appeared in dozens and dozens of magazines and on covers both here in the US and abroad. Does Howard want reality? No, because then he would go running for the nearest ledge while Ralph grabs at Howard's bra straps in a desperate attempt to save him from being splashed on the cover of newspapers around the globe... "aged shock jock finally ends it all - found out he really doesn't look like a rock star and his wife really is a failed fat pudge model from Pittsburgh".

Keep calm and paint your poodle, Beth Fans, it's only Tuesday. We've got a whole week to go filled with fun and excitement and we want to be camera ready, right? Right.