Stick 'Em With Stern

Ever since the old ratings tanker a.k.a., Howard Stern the Titanic, was kicked off television in 2015, he's had a steady stream of nobodies into his rarely live satellite radio show. I mean, the guests have been worse than before when he actually was on TV. His latest guests consisted of a fat country and western singer who specializes in singing all of his songs in the key of flat, and an aged pseudo rocker who grifts off his famous ex-wife and keeps running to the lawyers for an increase in the alimony payments while Howard impresses his radio listener with his ability to never be photographed going in and out of his Manhattan corporate penthouse apartments since it's a pretty nifty trick when you don't live there but just show up for a cocktail party now and then to wine and dine the SiriusXM studio executives and remind them that he is still on the air.

Well, Stern has another shot at getting Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper back in his radio studio for an awesome interview to plug their upcoming straight-to-bomb movie remake of "A Star is Born". According to IMDb, Brad is also directing this flop and it also stars that stellar irritant Andrew Dice Clay. The film crew was at Coachella this past April filming Lady Gaga as poor Beth O Stern again missed out on being in a movie. She could have easily scored a crowd scene in the film but she is married to a cash poor rarely coherent millstone around her neck or a weaved monkey on her back that just seems to be stepping on her fame. Poor thing, I guess she should have taken those fantasy offers of marriage from the married Brad Pitt or the married Mel Gibson 18 years ago. You remember, Beth and Howard relate that fairy tale ad nauseam on TV talk shows, in print articles, and Howard has said it on the air to his radio listener that when Beth bagged Howard she immediately phoned her mom and told her she was DONE, she met the man of her dreams and mom guessed that it was either Brad Pitt or Mel Gibson, both married men at the time but then she knows her daughter is an easy lay. So Beth told her it was Howard Stern and you know the rest. But if she married one of those celebs then I am sure she could have gotten one of those crowd scenes in movies. Oh well too bad Beth, got stuck with the kitten gimmick since you are an unemployable pariah like your awesome catch of a husband that keeps catching every disease in the book since dumping the first wife back in the day when he thought he was being groomed to be the next Hollywood leading man to the aged trannies on wheels in West Hollywood. So Stern is and was forever stuck on a radio dial while he makes up stories about all the stuff he turned down.

Back when they were dating, Howard had a giant
bald spaced gap between his hairline since he said
his brain was growing because he's so smart that he chose a famously
unknown supermodel to marry with a flat left breast since he
thinks her deformed body parts are sexy.
Hey, eye of the beholder and all that stuff. His favorite film
is "Boxing Helena" but it all ends up as a dream so he isn't a pervert
or anything. He now enjoys faux pedo porn where he
 fantasizes that he's the kid being violated. It's a perfectly
normal fantasy for a straight married man.

I guess Bradley Cooper is still playing the straight bit and keeps fighting off those rumors that Howard Stern is begging for a bite of his big apple. It's tough when you are a major no talent in Hollywood and on the stage and you have to pander to some aged queen who throws some dough around pretending to be able to finance a project of yours only to be treated to an evening of viewing his private parts and eating disgusting radiated sushi from a local eatery. 

Yep, Howard is all in a tizzy over the prospect of getting a few celebrity guests in about 14 months providing Turk & Dell'Abate can convince the celebs' management team to Stick 'Em With Stern and that Howard's radio listener can actually afford a ticket to a newly released movie and doesn't wait for the bargain prices once the film moves onto the discount theaters before it's dumped onto the cable TV market.

We know lately that Howard has stated on his stale satellite radio show that he is dealing with some issues, one we do know about is Robin Quivers who is rarely live inside the Stern satellite radio studio since she revealed her struggle with staged cancer. But her cackle can be heard coming from speakers inside the studio while Howard babbles on about himself and promises Robin that he will speak to her after the show - you know, in private to shut the bitch up. We remember she was working on another book that has failed to see the light of day and she gets mad when she's ignored yet the Stern/Buchwald tag team continue to take their cut of her salary. Robin recently got on an episode of the new season of Andy Cohen's show "Then and Now" plugging Howard of course and she got a nomination to the Radio Hall of Fame for sitting on her ass the longest number of years on one continuous radio show. Robin gets in a tizzy when she is ignored so Howard's got to come up with something to get her name in the press or her facelift on TV with whatever wig she can find to glue onto her balding pulled back hairline that now looks like a man's hairline with just hair around the bottom half from ear to ear with nothing on top. [Stuff about Robin's potential new book, ref BFP: December 2, 2015 "The Married Losers Interview Show"; December 15, 2016 "Beth's Friends are Turkeys"].


So what about the carpet muncher Beth? You know, she has all those little carpets all over that cat room at her home in the Hamptons where she takes selfies all day and calls it charity work. Well, Beth does have that coveted model look of pea eyes, fat nose job, masculine jawline and bucked horse teeth that any model would want and poor Heidi Klum is cursed with a perfectly symmetrical face aside from having a killer body when Beth has a body that any killer would want.

2009

Big news for Heidi Klum as she will again be the sole subject of a book featuring nude Heidi, something Beth has failed to do, pose nude in photos or out on a beach like Heidi does all the time in candid shots of herself that are all over the Internet. Heidi already has a book about herself by photographer Rankin, but he's supposed to be doing another book all about Heidi. Where's The Beth Book of Botched Body Parts?

Gosh, hot Heidi hangs with the billionaire boys while the best that Beth and Howard can do is stalk a drunk in Florida while trying to get a glimpse of Mar-a-Lago through their binoculars.

Nobody is discovering Beth in Florida and Howard
will barely spend one night at his Florida Sinkhole with his money pit.

Sneak peek of Heidi's new book, May 26:

Here you go Howard, I've got the cover shot all done for you - don't let Heidi Klum steal all the publicity!!!!

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#schnabel   #maralago