Send Me No Flowers

Howard Stern revealed this week that his show staff writer, staff comedian, staff stooge, staff god knows what he does except that he has media connections, Benjy Bronk, had sent Howard his annual post-New Year's flowers to his apartment. 

Yes, Benjy sent those funeral flowers to Howard Stern which represents mourning and the impending doom that is the Howard Stern satellite radio show that will be gone with the wind unless Howard starts inflating those bogus listener numbers and spreads around more payola to get his stale fossilized celebrity interviews printed on the Internet to garner interest in his sad little talk radio show filled with commercials to pay for the channels [Howard 100 and 101 wherein Sirius is losing dollars and has to pack the channels with tons of commercials and product placement ads]. Howard seemed to panic over the receipt of these flowers from Benjy, particularly this year and that said flowers make him nervous or something and he starts panicking and talking to them as they lay dying...oh my god, Howard projecting his career onto flowers now, how pathetic. Right Howard, cry cry cry, will you make it for another five years? Oh ha, well, we have to see if the snitches on the street are right, that your days are numbered with the struggling satellite company. 

Oh, don't send Howard flowers! He goes into weirdo spinning convulsions as he knows the grim reaper is around the corner as he struggles to out-live Robin Quivers, his obese news reader that struggles with finding actual current news items from the Internet in between her book writing barking orders at her ghostwriter in between barking orders at the pizza delivery man with Howard turning off her microphone during his stale satellite broadcast because the old woman is senile. But aside from his perceived listener increase when Robin finally keels over like Mechagodzilla, Howard is also looking forward to those big listener numbers when his parents finally buy the farm and Howard can cry on the air and get press mileage out of it, but the old fuckers are taking forever to die since they have had a padded bank account for almost 50 years now and do nothing but praise their moron son with the fug second wife that Howard thinks is hot, well, she is hot, hot as hell in that furnace housing her failed career.


At least Howard won't have to buy flowers for his show's funeral since his staff comedy writer provides them annually since he doesn't know when the plug will be pulled and life support ends for the failing talk radio host.

In the meantime, Beth is working on thinning out the cat herd at Stalag Beth in the Hamptons to free up some space for new purebred cats on the horizon to fill her prison cells and come up with new faked stories to sell to her stupid cat club followers on her InstaTwit social media sites and hopefully sell more useless books to kids teaching them to give Beth money via her personal foundation, Bianca's Furry Friends.

Simon Cowell thinned out the herd by getting rid of Howard Stern in 2016 for the upcoming 11th season of his show, America's Got Talent, as the Stern effect means negative gravity as the ratings plummeted into the ground during Howard's four years on the summer filler TV show.