Stern Siriusly Struggling

Secret, confidential sources
are talking that Beth is
spinning out fearing that
Sirius is plotting to fold
the Stern channels within
a few years due to
Stern's lack of
show content.

If anyone bothered to listen to the first Howard Stern shows for 2016 on that Siriusly deflated and bottomed out medium called satellite radio, it is plainly obvious the old guy is struggling to stay alive longer than the people he has been jealous of forever. You know, like Don Imus and every other successful media person on the planet like that Les Moonves who sued the old fart and pushed him into a satellite dish where Stern failed to save the medium forcing a merger with the only other satellite radio company called XM, and now SiriusXM is pretty much dead and buried having to survive on tons of commercials on their commercial-free medium, oh right, just the music channels are commercial free, why? 

Because they bought a group of records that are playing on a continuous monotonous loop until listeners go insane and throw that satellite garbage out the window. Other than the sports channels and that way overlong and played out NBC Today Show that is broadcast on Sirius, the only other choice is to listen to old fart radio where Howard has to brag about the bimbo he married who snatches cats and has to have them removed from her home since she knows shit about animal care. But what can you expect from Howard Stern? An actual real wife? An actual person with a brain instead of a peanut shell housed inside a giant football head? 

Don & Deirdre Imus

Howard was so desperate to score a young blonde woman and buy another Hamptons mansion [the second one, having lost the first one in a divorce fire sale], in a feeble attempt at copying Don Imus, who did everything Stern couldn't. He married a woman [literally, we don't know what Beth is] who successfully had her own segment on her husband's radio show, wrote books, ran the NY City marathon, and did much more while Imus has had a successful radio show for years which was also broadcast on the Fox Business Channel with Imus finally deciding to phase out of the rat race and ride off into the sunset with some dignity, and not hang onto some fantasy he is still relevant with a bitched out wife with multiple Barbie wigs glued to her head spouting gibberish that she's a leather wearing animal activist showing off her fucking rescued Gucci bags in her closets housing kittens for a pitiful corporate tax write-off for 112 Productions. Howard Stern has been insanely trying to keep up with Don Imus and got stuck with a sexually vague wigged pariah who is manic for fame who has a problem with telling the truth, in that, she hates it and will make up tons of stories as a deflection from the fact she is a giant nobody who does nothing but take selfies and throw cats out of her limo at a bunch of stooges and calls it charity work.

Where have all her brains gone?
Good luck honey, when Stern's
radio dial finally gets the pink slip.

Also affecting the struggling Howard Stern's siriusly boring satellite radio channels is the fact that he is having major difficulty convincing himself that his wig weave is his real hair and it shows in his performance of reading from Wikipedia when interviewing aged celebs on his show. His hypnosis therapy sessions have been snapping loose those brain cells and, as he stated on his radio show this week, his teeth are starting to crumble and he has to endure hours of dental surgery to keep those old teeth inside that head of his, what with that dislodged chin implant that needs tweaking, oh right, it's a tooth problem, not that the implant is shifting and rocking and rolling inside that facelift along with another laser eye treatment, my gosh, it's just hard to know what to believe since I am getting secret sources telling me different things...oh it's the teeth, right Howard? Not the chin implant that broke free from all those lonely nights biting on that pillow since getting kicked off television for the millionth time?

Beth's mental state is slowly going in reverse. The older she gets the higher that voice gets and on several of her stupid television interviews and in print articles she spouts nonsense that her mom's first born was an old collie mix named Suzy Dog...how sweet, DOG, yes I am sure the animal had to be reminded it was only a DOG with every mention of its name a million times a day...oh, and, what was the families second dog, Beth? Hmmmm???? You are a phony, Beth, as is that family you were hatched into, phony, pretending to be animal activists when you are just a bunch of selfie monsters married to a camera while hunting down a few old farts on television in the Big Apple and landing a big fruit on the radio.

Howard and Beth love those dental visits don't they? Oh right, needles to numb the pain with Howard claiming to be pure as the driven snowjob and refuses all pain killers and anything unnatural except those choppers he bought, along with that chin. Gosh, I guess the Botox Twins had to get all their work done in the Big Apple this year instead of the Florida surgery center. Dentist? How about plastic surgeon? Aren't they the same thing, at least that's the story, dental visits, okay fine, who cares. But I wonder if the Kimmels got a look inside the operating room over the New Year's holiday? Nip and tuck and tuck and tuck and....gosh, Beth just hates to tuck it.

Howard bought a Lucy Ricardo wig and Beth bought the teeth.